I need a spiritual breather. I feel most complete when I'm in fellowship with You, but once again I've pushed You off. Placed You lower and lower on my list, despite Your love for me, Your sacrifices, and You just being You. I LOVE You. No one would ever do what You've done for me, or do what You continue to do. But that's not the only reason I love You. I love You because You are perfect, because You are powerful, because You are I AM. You are You, and that is more than enough for me. Forgive me for my lack of faith and restore our relationship. I am nothing without You!

I'm also sorry it took me so long to stop and thank You on this day of Thanksgiving. I'm so thankful for all my families - for the family I live with, my Zambian family, my Passion family, my church family, and all my brothers and sister in Christ! I am so lucky to have so many people to care about & to care for me!
I am thankful for friendship. How quickly You answered my prayer for new relationships! I have an amazing iteam group and I'm getting to know more and more people who have a heart for You. So wonderful!
Thank You for all the things I enjoy; for crafting, antiques, games, the outdoors, my hometown, traveling, my baby cat, rain boots, hydrangeas, salt water taffy - the list goes on and on. I appreciate all these things, and I appreciate You even more for creating them and allowing me to enjoy them on this earth.
Thank You for letting me go to Zambia this summer. Amazing people, amazing places, AMAZING GOD. You love Your creations all over the world, and it was so encouraging to see Your children worship You with such passion. How I long to praise You as they do, with no hesitation or self awareness! And thank You for the humbling things I saw. I appreciate my education, my home, and other things so much more than I ever did before. Although I don't fully comprehend why the people of Africa must live the way they do, I still know You are a great God who is control of all things.

And while there are a million other things I am thankful for, perhaps one of the most pressing on my heart is this: THANK YOU FOR NOT ALWAYS GIVING ME WHAT I DESIRE. One year ago I was miserable, caught up in sin and wanting only what I wanted. Thank You so, so much for not allowing me to have what I wanted and for stopping me from continuing with that life any further. How I regret not turning away on my own for You! I am eternally grateful for Your mercy, and I know You have something better in store for me. I am not who I was; that part of me is dead. Thank You for raising this life again and not giving up on me. My GOD is good and worthy to be praise for all things!!

I'm getting an apartment, and it's only a block away from my house. Yes, it's definitely just a baby step, but I think it's going to work out to be a good thing. This has all just come together within the last two days, and my mind is racing. I've always had a desire to decorate and have my own little place; that's why everywhere I go I find furniture or paintings or whatever. I'm excited, but very nervous at the same time. I know it sounds silly, but I want to share my fears with You. You're my Father, and I know you can comfort me. Most of my friends are at least one year younger than me, and the ones who are my age are either married, will still be in college, or just aren't making the best life decisions right now. I'm going to be a "grown up" - how crazy! I'm not ready! I think I am mature, but I'm really afraid I'm going to get lonely. My friends will be doing different things than me - going to football games, BCM, etc. Unless I go for my master's right away, I'll be living a different life. I don't want to fall out of the loop.

I think part of the reason I feel this way is because of how I looked at this time a few years back. I had my life planned out. I was going to marry my boyfriend and be a newlywed right out of college. I had hoped I'd never have to live by myself, that I'd just go from my family's home to a home with my husband! And no, I don't need a boy or anyone else to satisfy me. You really are all I need, but still... I'm afraid. I need to come to a point of total surrender to You. I want to get to that point; I'm not sure why I'm not there yet. I do trust You, just not as fully as I should be. Why can't I just fall off the edge into Your arms? It truly is what I desire! Please, God, comfort my fears and reveal Yourself to me.

God, I'm not sure why these desires are so strong in me right now. I've always prayed and hoped to be a wife and a mother, but I'm especially yearning for it now. And the dreams I've been having! I wake up feeling empty, because they aren't reality. I want to find my beloved. I want to fall in love, but love is just an emotion & is fleeting. Marriage, however, is a lifelong commitment that two people make. It should be full of love, passion, respect, commitment, & empathy. Right now, I want to meet the person who will enter into a marriage with me. I don't casually date and never have. I'll continue to wait for the right type of guy. I pray for discernment so I can determine who I would be blessed to have as my husband. I want to buy a house, I want to share my bed, I want to pay bills and make financial decisions, I want to take trips, I want to cuddle, I want to take naps in the sunny spots on the floor, I want to be lead by the spiritual leader of our household, I want to learn to cook for him, I want to do everything in my power to make him happy. I know it won't all be perfect. Quite the contrary! There will be tough decisions, arguments, tears, heartache and fears. But with You as the center of our relationship, we will be able to get through all of those things. I want to have children (in the not-so-distant future), as many as You will bless us with! I want to raise them in Your truth. I pray for my family. I pray for the salvation of our children, and I pray for my beloved, that he is preparing for our marriage by making wise decisions and studying Your word.

Again, Father, I don't know why I've been so caught up in this lately. How silly I feel for saying "I want, I want, I want." I ultimately want whatever You have willed for me. If this isn't the life You have in store for me, I promise to accept it and continue to do my best in glorifying You. You are good, and know what is best for my life. I don't need a husband or children to be happy; ultimate satisfaction comes from You. I do, however, have this desire in my heart and want to make it known to You. This desire comes from You, and I know marriage is a reflection of the Trinity. I don't think this desire will go away, but I will not let it consume my very being. I live for Your glory, not to fulfill my own desires and wants. I do not want anything to coax my vision from You. My Father is wise and I will trust in what He decides.

Just a little reflection on some recent studying...

Although it was probably close to a month ago, something we discussed in Sunday school has been on my mind.

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." - John 14:34-35
When I read or heard this verse in the past, I always thought Jesus was just telling us all to love each other, treat each other with care, etc. But we determined that He was actually just speaking about believers loving other believers, not all of mankind. It is good to fellowship with other believers, and we should not feel guilty when we spend time with other followers. Jesus commanded for us to do this. The way we treat our "family" will show non-believers that we are His disciples.

So then my mind jumps to another thought: how hard it is to live in this world but not be of it. Man will see how we love our brothers and sisters, but that is not all they will judge on. We must be familiar with the ways of this world to be relevant and pertinent to the society in which we live, but must not get wrapped up in it. How often we (I) fail at this. How hard it is to live as someone who is completely different and counter cultural, yet be a person who can relate to the rest of the world. I have not mastered this. In fact, I am not even close to being "good" at this. I am completely selfish, materialistic, prideful, and wrapped up in impressing others. I find myself in a constant battle, thinking "Am I doing this for my God, or because I think it may impress someone else?" Too often I find my truthful answer to be, "Im doing this to impress, but it is good that what Im doing pleases God and helps others." Does it really please You when I do things for selfish reasons? I know the answer to my own question.

Heavenly, Holy One, I am sorry for my sins. I really only want to put You first. It is only by Your grace that I breathe and live; please help me make the choice to live and breathe for You. Why should I worry what others may think? Yes, you want me to be an example to others, but I often find the people Im trying to impress are already a part of Your kingdom. IMPRESSING IS NOT THE SAME AS BEING AN EXAMPLE. What do I have to gain from impressing anyone? Why am I so quick to judge others on their actions? I am completely caught up in this world. By Your power, I must renew my mind. Help to transform me so I am not of this world. I want to set my sights on You and keep them there.

I know You're working for me and not against me, and I know you have my best interests in mind...
even if I don't realize it.

I keep struggling with this. How could You not want me to go to Africa? Is this Satan attacking me? You give authority to Satan; he can't move without You giving him the go ahead. So it really all comes back to You. I'm not doubting, but I am questioning. I know know KNOW Your ways are higher and I cannot comprehend them. But it still keeps chipping away at my mind. This seems like the perfect time to go! Next year I won't be able to go, because I will be starting a new job. And then from there on I can't go because it is so hard to get time off of work. And I'll eventually marry and have a family.

And I've just looked back at those last few sentences and feel so silly. Why am I planning my life? I don't know what opportunities and blessings You have for my future. There must be some reason You don't want me to go, and I can trust in that. Maybe I'm just not ready emotionally, physically, spiritually. Maybe I can be more of a servant in West Virginia this summer. Maybe I will do more for You if I go later in my life.

It's just upsetting when I've had my hope set on this trip for half a year. Whatever happens, I will have faith in You. You never said my life would be simple. I trust in You. I pray You help me make wise decisions about this, and that I accept whatever ends up happening.
If I go to Africa this summer, I will be all I can for YOU.
& if I stay in Kenova this summer, I promise I will be all I can for YOU.

how long are you gonna let him turn away from You? God, i don't know if he was ever truly Yours, but why can't he be Yours now? it's times like these when i hate the free will You've given to us. i almost wish You would force us to love You. but at the same time i am so grateful You give us the ability to choose for ourselves. i just wish he would choose You. when i tell him i'm praying for him, he says, "good luck." when i invite him to church, he says, "probably not, i'm pretty content with my life." oh, how it breaks my heart! i know prayer is powerful, and i know that it's Your will that all come to You. how i hope and pray he isn't one who will never want to be Yours. how i hope and pray this is just a spell and that he will run to the Shepherd eventually. can't You just break him down now and save a lot of people from this heartache?
i have faith in You, You are sovereign and in control of everything. change his heart, make it clean. forgive him of his sins, and transform him into a new person. make him see that the life he is so content with is a life of false, hurtful feelings and beliefs.
use me however You will. place people in his life that reflect Your love.
his soul will always be a burden on my soul. Lord, capture his heart. i want You to receive glory from him.

i feel like i'm failing You.
i feel like i'm a million miles away from wherever it is You are.

i'm telling myself that i'll have plenty of time to delve deep into Your word this summer, or even when i graduate from school, but God, i'm just lying to myself. i need this now, i want this now. i'm not doing well in my classes, i'm not being efficient at work. although i'm doing a million things and never seem to get a break, i'm being lazy. it's like i'm thinking i've got to work on my grades, work, whatever and once it's all accomplished i'll focus on You.
how stupid of me.
haven't i been called to be Your apprentice first? i'm not a nurse, student, etc. who just happens to be a Christian, i'm a Christian who happens to be a nurse, student, etc.
help me find a balance, give me motivation to do my best. as Your daughter, everything i do reflects on who You are.

i want to make You proud.

Precious One Who Paid my Ransom -

i have so much to be thankful for, so why am i not falling on my knees in praise to You? it's not fair to You. i don't want to deny You praise, & i don't want to make excuses. i do, however, feel like i am being pulled in a million different directions. while all of these things are blessings, nursing school is so demanding, work is stressful, leading awana is tiring... just thinking about it all causes my head to hurt. and i KNOW i've been shorting you. where's that daily time i was going to set aside to study the Bible? i've been stuck on the same page for close to two weeks now. whenever i'm not at church or school or the hospital or the rec center or wherever i need to be, i'm home working on homework or catching up on some much needed sleep. but don't i need You so much more? when i'm in Your Word, i feel fulfilled, like i don't need sleep or food or anything; it satisfies all my needs. i'm asking for endurance so i can keep it all together AND form a relationship with You. i don't want to give anything up, but if that's what it takes to get on track, then so be it. please help me determine what i should do. be the One who holds me up when i am weak (which is pretty much all the time), and remind me that i am Yours & only Yours. so much comfort and joy can strength can come just from realizing that.

i loved the service at bcm on wednesday about extending grace to others (eph. 4). the analogy adam used really hit me. he said that the people that we need to extend grace to are the ones who, if put on trial in front of a judge and jury, would be found guilty. guilty for the ways they have hurt us, guilty for the terrible mistakes they've made. but that's exactly how i was found on trial in front of You - guilty. but You sent Your Son to be the ransom for my sin, and i'll never understand why You care so much for me, but i will always be thankful.

& i want to show You just how thankful i am.

Shepherd; the One who calls me by name -

i hate these thoughts. why did i allow myself to become so emotionally attached? i pray that You take these memories away. i regret forming them with that person. sometimes i think if i move and never hear about the things he is involved with, it will all just go away. but the evil one uses my mind to keep me miserable. i regret the past, but i look towards the future with a great longing, with a feeling that it will all be so much better than it ever could have been with the way things were. thank You for using my mistakes to do Your work in spite of me. i made mistakes, but now that time has passed i can see the positive things You did during that time. it was not because of me; only because of You. make me strong. i am a daughter of Christ, and there is infinite power in that. constantly remind me. You have broken me and You are rebuilding, i want to be nothing other than Your holy temple. i want to be the moon that reflects the Light of the Son. i want to only be Yours. nothing else matters, all things lose their control and influence on me. i am so glad You are focused on You and You alone; help me to be focused on the same thing, not on others.

i don't have time to maintain these regrets when i think about the way YOU LOVE ME.

oh, Consuming Fire!

i have realized just how beautiful and merciful and amazing and holy and infinite and powerful and loving and jealous You are!! actually, i have not realized it, because i could never fully comprehend, but i understand much more than i did before. thank you for putting it on my heart last october to go to passion. i had no desire to go, and then suddenly i knew You wanted me to. the whole experience was such a blessing. to see the way You work through Your servants! over $1 million raised for the poor and needy! and the way You spoke through the speakers to my soul, especially through beth moore and john piper. such wise people, people after Your own heart. and God! my family group! oh, to feel Your presence there! i KNOW You brought our group together for a reason, it was no accident. i know in particular for me, one reason i was placed in that group was to meet stephen and caleb. two boys my age who are on fire for you. such an encouragement to me as a young daughter of Christ to see two brothers who care with all their hearts for their sisters in Christ and for their Savior! all a part of the way You've been healing my heart (:
and nothing could be more encouraging than to see 20,000+ college students gathered together, praising You with hands lifted high and tears streaming down faces, professing that Your renown is worth sharing, worth making known!

i am completely unoriginal. i am not a lyricist, or a poet, or a writer, but that's not what You called me to be. i find such comfort in the words of Your children and i love to share them with others.

"we were made to find the capstone of our joy in forgetting ourselves in the presence of Greatness. the reason God seeks our praise is not because He won't fully be God if He doesn't get it, it is because we won't be fully happy until we give it. this is GRACE, this is LOVE."

i am so thankful for this new compassion You have put in my heart. i am so excited to get into Your word more, to learn more from this sacred text. i pray that my reasons not be selfish. i want to find my holy ambition, but that's just a side thing. keep my eyes focused on You, not on myself. and i'm so thankful You are focused on Yourself, not me.


"yes, LORD, walking in the way of Your truth we wait eagerly for You, for Your NAME and RENOWN are the desires of our souls." - Isaiah 26:8

in our hearts Lord, in this nation... awakening.