Precious One Who Paid my Ransom -

i have so much to be thankful for, so why am i not falling on my knees in praise to You? it's not fair to You. i don't want to deny You praise, & i don't want to make excuses. i do, however, feel like i am being pulled in a million different directions. while all of these things are blessings, nursing school is so demanding, work is stressful, leading awana is tiring... just thinking about it all causes my head to hurt. and i KNOW i've been shorting you. where's that daily time i was going to set aside to study the Bible? i've been stuck on the same page for close to two weeks now. whenever i'm not at church or school or the hospital or the rec center or wherever i need to be, i'm home working on homework or catching up on some much needed sleep. but don't i need You so much more? when i'm in Your Word, i feel fulfilled, like i don't need sleep or food or anything; it satisfies all my needs. i'm asking for endurance so i can keep it all together AND form a relationship with You. i don't want to give anything up, but if that's what it takes to get on track, then so be it. please help me determine what i should do. be the One who holds me up when i am weak (which is pretty much all the time), and remind me that i am Yours & only Yours. so much comfort and joy can strength can come just from realizing that.

i loved the service at bcm on wednesday about extending grace to others (eph. 4). the analogy adam used really hit me. he said that the people that we need to extend grace to are the ones who, if put on trial in front of a judge and jury, would be found guilty. guilty for the ways they have hurt us, guilty for the terrible mistakes they've made. but that's exactly how i was found on trial in front of You - guilty. but You sent Your Son to be the ransom for my sin, and i'll never understand why You care so much for me, but i will always be thankful.

& i want to show You just how thankful i am.

Shepherd; the One who calls me by name -

i hate these thoughts. why did i allow myself to become so emotionally attached? i pray that You take these memories away. i regret forming them with that person. sometimes i think if i move and never hear about the things he is involved with, it will all just go away. but the evil one uses my mind to keep me miserable. i regret the past, but i look towards the future with a great longing, with a feeling that it will all be so much better than it ever could have been with the way things were. thank You for using my mistakes to do Your work in spite of me. i made mistakes, but now that time has passed i can see the positive things You did during that time. it was not because of me; only because of You. make me strong. i am a daughter of Christ, and there is infinite power in that. constantly remind me. You have broken me and You are rebuilding, i want to be nothing other than Your holy temple. i want to be the moon that reflects the Light of the Son. i want to only be Yours. nothing else matters, all things lose their control and influence on me. i am so glad You are focused on You and You alone; help me to be focused on the same thing, not on others.

i don't have time to maintain these regrets when i think about the way YOU LOVE ME.

oh, Consuming Fire!

i have realized just how beautiful and merciful and amazing and holy and infinite and powerful and loving and jealous You are!! actually, i have not realized it, because i could never fully comprehend, but i understand much more than i did before. thank you for putting it on my heart last october to go to passion. i had no desire to go, and then suddenly i knew You wanted me to. the whole experience was such a blessing. to see the way You work through Your servants! over $1 million raised for the poor and needy! and the way You spoke through the speakers to my soul, especially through beth moore and john piper. such wise people, people after Your own heart. and God! my family group! oh, to feel Your presence there! i KNOW You brought our group together for a reason, it was no accident. i know in particular for me, one reason i was placed in that group was to meet stephen and caleb. two boys my age who are on fire for you. such an encouragement to me as a young daughter of Christ to see two brothers who care with all their hearts for their sisters in Christ and for their Savior! all a part of the way You've been healing my heart (:
and nothing could be more encouraging than to see 20,000+ college students gathered together, praising You with hands lifted high and tears streaming down faces, professing that Your renown is worth sharing, worth making known!

i am completely unoriginal. i am not a lyricist, or a poet, or a writer, but that's not what You called me to be. i find such comfort in the words of Your children and i love to share them with others.

"we were made to find the capstone of our joy in forgetting ourselves in the presence of Greatness. the reason God seeks our praise is not because He won't fully be God if He doesn't get it, it is because we won't be fully happy until we give it. this is GRACE, this is LOVE."

i am so thankful for this new compassion You have put in my heart. i am so excited to get into Your word more, to learn more from this sacred text. i pray that my reasons not be selfish. i want to find my holy ambition, but that's just a side thing. keep my eyes focused on You, not on myself. and i'm so thankful You are focused on Yourself, not me.


"yes, LORD, walking in the way of Your truth we wait eagerly for You, for Your NAME and RENOWN are the desires of our souls." - Isaiah 26:8

in our hearts Lord, in this nation... awakening.